I hope you dont mind that I put down in words, how wonderful life is, now you're in the world...

Oh my mummsy, its been a whole year since we said goodbye.
A year since I held your hand and kissed your cheek.
A year since I told you 'I love YOU more'.
A year since I had to walk out of that hospital room, leaving you laying there alone, silent, and knowing I would never see you again.

And since that day it hasnt gotten easier. People have said to me that with time it will get easier.
When! I think that is a lie. I really dont think it ever will get "easier" we just learn to cope better, to push the saddness further inside of ourselves. To cope.

I have started writing this post so many times. I started recalling that final week in the hospital. About how awful it was. How much it still makes anxiety well up in my chest. How is makes me feel breathless as I try to fight back the tears. But I had to delete the words... I would rather keep those memories fading deep into my subconcious.

It has taken me so long to start remembering the old mum. The healthy mum, who was strong, who would never let an awful disease take her from this world. The mum who would spend a good 10 hours outside in the sun working on her veggie patch, or building chicken coups. The mum who wanted to spend every second spoiling with her grandson. The mum who was the strongest person I knew, who I looked up to and could only hope I am a fraction as good of a mother as you were to us, how selfless you were, how caring. I didnt want to start remembering the bad memories again. The sick, weak mum. That person was not the real you.

I believe that the universe can give you things, great things, but it also takes other things away in order for it to be in balance. It really is true; you CAN'T have it all!
Sometimes I feel like I received Brody into my life in exchange for you. I know it sounds silly but its how I think sometimes. I lost my own mother in order to become a mother again myself.
No matter how great life seems some days, it will never, EVER, be perfect, because you arent in it.
Life will never be the same.
No matter how good things can get there will always be an irreplaceable hole.
A longing for something. You.

The time has gone by so fast, I can barely believe it has been 365 days...and counting. I think I went into 'auto-pilot' for a few months, my coping mechanism was just to keep busy with the boys, stay positive, act like nothing had really happened. I feel like I lost those months, I cant really remember them. I dont sleep well, I have to be completely worn out to sleep, so I stay up late. Otherwise laying the in darkness, all of the sad thoughts start to creep in...and I lose it.

While I am so grateful that you had a few weeks with Brody, it still makes his 'firsts' bitter sweet. When ever anything exciting happened before you were always the first person I would call.
Now, I have no one to call.
I always go to get my phone and then I realise your not there.
It's hard.

All I can hope is that there is an afterlife, and that it is amazing, fit for a Queen, because that is what you deserve and nothing less. You suffered enough.
I hope that you are close by each and everyday and are watching over your boys.
I hope that all of the cockatoos I have seen since the day you died are not a coincidence.
I hope that you are healthy and free of pain.
And most of all I hope that one day we are together again and I can cuddle you...just one more time.

Keep those birds and butterflies coming..

I love you....more!

Mum and me

Mum and Tyler

Mum and Brody

My mum, sisters and I

Mum and me <3

The trials and tribulations of breastfeeding.

I read an amazing blog post by Mooshinindy just recently called: The one about me not being able to breastfeed. Some of the things written really hit the nail on the head for me and my experiences with breastfeeding...well, my attempt to anyway!

"Many bodies out there don’t produce what comes naturally to so many others. Some bodies don’t produce enough tears, some bodies don’t produce enough insulin, some bodies don’t produce enough estrogen, some bodies don’t produce sweat, some bodies don’t produce sperm and some bodies don’t produce babies.
Just because someone has all the parts doesn’t mean they all work in harmony (or at all.)
But a body that doesn’t produce breastmilk is the only one that is judged both openly and silently on a fairly regular basis."

I attempted to breastfeed with both of my children.

With Tyler, I was very young (19). When I first held him in the hospital, it was the first time I had ever held a baby in my entire life - so needless to say I was crapping myself with fear. It was like trying to drive a manual truck in a forgein country, when you have never even driven a car!

I wanted to breastfeed, so I tried. He did not latch for the first few days as he was full of mucus and was so out of it. I spent those days trying to at least express but nothing seemed to be happening. On about day 4, T was latching...for about 2 seconds!! Then when no milk was coming through instantly, so he would scream and refuse to go back on. He was not eating. So we had to suppliment with formula.

The next day my milk came through quickly - so quickly I ended up with mastitis - but I had no idea. T finally started chomping (thats right, not sucking, chomping) and it was so painful, my nipples were a mess and they were bleeding. I started waking with chills and fevers when T was about 7 days old, but being so young I had just assumed it was probably normal after birth. But I was wrong. The next day I couldnt move, my body seized. My partner was at work and I couldnt get ahold of him. My little sister (16 at the time) had to come and look after a newborn, while my other sister took me to the hospital.

After painkillers and lots of pumping the mastitis started to reduce. I was so shaken by the whole thing. I had terrible baby blues and just cried and cried. I felt like a failure. I decided I wanted to try and keep feeding, but everytime T latched, my nipples would just bleed and I would sob in pain. It certainly wasnt the beautiful bonding experience I thought it would be!

I tried to pump, feed that to him, and then pump again for his next feed. He was an awful reflux baby who would take a good hour to burp - so by the time that was done, and I had gotten him to sleep, and then expressed, I had about an hours sleep before he was back up.

I couldnt maintain this. Oh how badly I wanted to, but I couldnt. My mum tried to encourage me to keep going but I was done. Drained...and very SORE.

But I finally had freedom! S was able to help me more, I was able to sleep more. We were all happy, full, and no longer crying in pain!

With Brody, I had a more successful experience, and we were exclusively breastfeeding for the first 3 weeks. I did come up againt mastitis again but we got through it. The thing that brought this to an abrupt unexpected end was the death of the most important person in my life, my mother. I will blog about this in my next post.

LOVE & LIGHT

Happy times...

I wanted to share one of my favourite family photos. It is a very rare photo of all of my immediate family (except my kids).

This was taken at my younger sisters partners 21st birthday a few years ago. A time when everyone was happy and healthy.

From left: Mummsy, Tracy (eldest sister), me (tucked in the back), Kayla (younger sister), Dale, (K's bf), Shea (my bf) and Dad.

Although there will be heaps more family photos in the future this was one of the last which includes Mummsy before she was sick.

I love my family - they are all such amazing people and looking back at this picture reminds me just how close we really are.

My first post!

Welcome!

I have been contemplating starting a Blog for some time now but really had to consider if I would have the time as a busy working mum to keep up to date with the posts.
Well... here goes! I'll try anything once!

Through my Blog I will share my thoughts and experiences as a young mother of two boys, the struggle I have daily grieving the loss of my Mum to cancer, my passions and my fears.

I also am a freelance Makeup Artist (when I have time... time? What's that?!) so I will be blogging about makeup, beauty and fashion.

ENJOY!