A year since I held your hand and kissed your cheek.
A year since I told you 'I love YOU more'.
A year since I had to walk out of that hospital room, leaving you laying there alone, silent, and knowing I would never see you again.
And since that day it hasnt gotten easier. People have said to me that with time it will get easier.
When! I think that is a lie. I really dont think it ever will get "easier" we just learn to cope better, to push the saddness further inside of ourselves. To cope.
I have started writing this post so many times. I started recalling that final week in the hospital. About how awful it was. How much it still makes anxiety well up in my chest. How is makes me feel breathless as I try to fight back the tears. But I had to delete the words... I would rather keep those memories fading deep into my subconcious.
It has taken me so long to start remembering the old mum. The healthy mum, who was strong, who would never let an awful disease take her from this world. The mum who would spend a good 10 hours outside in the sun working on her veggie patch, or building chicken coups. The mum who wanted to spend every second spoiling with her grandson. The mum who was the strongest person I knew, who I looked up to and could only hope I am a fraction as good of a mother as you were to us, how selfless you were, how caring. I didnt want to start remembering the bad memories again. The sick, weak mum. That person was not the real you.
I believe that the universe can give you things, great things, but it also takes other things away in order for it to be in balance. It really is true; you CAN'T have it all!
Sometimes I feel like I received Brody into my life in exchange for you. I know it sounds silly but its how I think sometimes. I lost my own mother in order to become a mother again myself.
No matter how great life seems some days, it will never, EVER, be perfect, because you arent in it.
Life will never be the same.
No matter how good things can get there will always be an irreplaceable hole.
A longing for something. You.
The time has gone by so fast, I can barely believe it has been 365 days...and counting. I think I went into 'auto-pilot' for a few months, my coping mechanism was just to keep busy with the boys, stay positive, act like nothing had really happened. I feel like I lost those months, I cant really remember them. I dont sleep well, I have to be completely worn out to sleep, so I stay up late. Otherwise laying the in darkness, all of the sad thoughts start to creep in...and I lose it.
While I am so grateful that you had a few weeks with Brody, it still makes his 'firsts' bitter sweet. When ever anything exciting happened before you were always the first person I would call.
Now, I have no one to call.
I always go to get my phone and then I realise your not there.
It's hard.
All I can hope is that there is an afterlife, and that it is amazing, fit for a Queen, because that is what you deserve and nothing less. You suffered enough.
I hope that you are close by each and everyday and are watching over your boys.
I hope that all of the cockatoos I have seen since the day you died are not a coincidence.
I hope that you are healthy and free of pain.
And most of all I hope that one day we are together again and I can cuddle you...just one more time.
Keep those birds and butterflies coming..
I love you....more!
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| Mum and me |
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| Mum and Tyler |
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| Mum and Brody |
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| My mum, sisters and I |
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| Mum and me <3 |
